The 50 Greatest Half Man Half Biscuit Songs Since 1991

'All of our songs sound the same' - 'Lord Hereford's Knob' (2008)

Well, not really Nigel. Since their rackety inception in the do-it-yourself mid-80s indie scene Nigel Blackwell and his assorted sardonic minstrels have been skewering middle class pretension and minor celebrities with gay abandon. Their first few years produced some undeniable gems - 'All I Want for Christmas is a Dukla Prague Away Kit,' '1966 and All That,' the iconic 'Trumpton Riots'. But it was after Blackwell decided to end his self-imposed musical exile of the late 80s - spent chiefly in front of daytime telly - that the quality of the music began to consistently match the delicious vitriol of his lyrics. 

To celebrate HMHB's return to the Cambridge Junction on June 9th I decided to rate what I consider to be their greatest tracks since the 'comeback album' McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt of 1991. There are few musical canons as subjective as that of Half Man Half Biscuit and I am well aware that one man's National Shite Day is another's Stavanger Toestub. So I reiterate that this is a very personal Top 50 containing some of my favourite lyrics accompanied by some bizarre and incongruous photos of blue rinse chimps and cricketers from a bygone age. Ok, let's go to chapel!     

50

Evening of Swing (Has Been Cancelled)
CSI Ambleside (2008)

And the Christening party arsehole who hitherto had blurred my conception of man as nature's final word was fleeing from the lava, his satnav pleading thus: 'I'm not from round here mate, you should've got the bus' 

49

When the Evening Sun Goes Down
Cammell Laird Social Club (2002)

I shout all my obscenities from steeples but please don't label me a madman. I'm off to see the Bootleg Beatles as the Bootleg Mark Chapman

48

Malayan Jelutong
This Leaden Pall (1993)

When my grave's waist deep in meadow grass, no more strawberry jam for the Guild. Will there still be in the back pages adverts for the Original Breton Shirt? 

47

Ready Steady Goa
Four Lads Who Shook the Wirral (1998) 

The Maharishi Navratilova was just a scouser in a big pullover

46

Urge For Offal
Urge For Offal (2014) 

We sprayed more than we played, our names were everywhere. In the grime on lorries bound for Harwich and beyond

45

Tonight Matthew, I'm Going to be With Jesus
Voyage to the Bottom of the Road (1997) 

Yesterday Matthew, I was a Factory completist. But tonight Matthew, I'm going to be with Jesus

44

Four Skinny Indie Kids
Four Lads Who Shook the Wirral (1998)

We've got lo-fi, we've got tie-dye, we've got grey and brown and black. We've got stickers on guitars, we've got a tape for Steve Lamacq 

43

Ordinary to Enschede
B-side to Let's Not (1991)

Barge to Waregem, ordinary to Enschede, hydrofoil to Malmo and the last bus to your heart

42

Fear My Wraith
Some Call it Godcore (1995)

I read the news today oh boy: Svarc rejects new layer terms

41

Baguette Dilemma for the Booker Prize Guy
Urge For Offal (2014)

Flushed is the face that you hide in the lace of your mother's mantilla, a bilious affair

40

Joy in Leeuwarden (We are Ready)
90 Bisodol (Crimond) (2011)

Sixteen teams are taking part, sixteen camps of hope. Some contain top, top players, some are just a crock of shit

39

Numanoid Hand-glide
This Leaden Pall (1993) 

Gazza in a Mozza mask goofing by the pool. Eating all the Caramacs, howay Cemetry Gates

38

Jarg Armani
Saucy Haulage Ballads EP (2003)

Five gas lighters for a pound. Snide rosettes outside the ground. Always comes in through Stranraer. Jarg Armani in the car

37

27 Yards of Dental Floss
Cammell Laird Social Club (2002)

I'm clowning by the Serpentine, she's still drinking turpentine

36

Bad Review
Voyage to the Bottom of the Road (1997)

The fearsome hollow boom of the older boys in the deep end. The green shoots of recovery shrivelled up in harsh tomorrows

35

Excavating Rita
90 Bisodol (Crimond) (2011)

With a help chute and a carbon monoxide alarm, we would still have our Thursday afternoons

34

Old Age Killed My Teenage Bride
Urge For Offal (2014)

And she turned to the children at her side and said 'take the good and the bad times in your stride,' and 'abseil for no-one' then she died 

33

Vatican Broadside
Editor's Recommendation EP (2001)

And the Pope said to his aide: 'Who the fucking hell are Slipknot (x3) in relation to me getting out of bed?'

32

Floreat Inertia
This Leaden Pall (1993)

I used to cajole Gordon Giltrap, I used to think that it mattered. But the low drone of the treadmill is the sound of my hopes being shattered 

31

I, Trog
Some Call it Godcore (1995)

I will rule the world - playing Risk

30

Surging out of Convalescence
Achtung Bono (2005)

And when I get to Heaven's gate, and doubtless have to wait, while St. Peter investigates the inevitable asterisk

29

Even Men With Steel Hearts
Some Call it Godcore (1995)

Even men with steel hearts love to see a dog on the pitch. It generates a warmth around the ground that augurs well for my kind, and that's what life's about

28

Little in the Way of Sunshine
CSI Ambleside (2008)

I tell you stuff for nothing, I tell you it for free. Shawshank Redemption, five quid, HMV

27

Eno Collaboration
Single (1996)/Voyage to the Bottom of the Road (1997)

I know Bono and he knows Ono and she knows Eno's phone goes thus: 'Brian's gone bowling, he's at the North Pole and if you'd like to leave a weird noise' 

26

Twenty Four Hour Garage People
Trouble Over Bridgewater (2000)

'I'll have ten Kit-Kats and a motoring atlas and a Blues CD on the Hallmark label - that's sure to be good'

25

San Antonio Foam Party
Cammell Laird Social Club (2002)

Its gonna end up with the storming of a brothel in Palermo

24

Dead Men Don't Need Season Tickets
Voyage to the Bottom of the Road (1997)

My arm round her shoulder, gently I told her: 'Dead men don't need season tickets'

23

King of Hi-Vis
CSI Ambleside (2008)

I've got a triple A dangling from my lanyard. Wimbledon and Womad, Ryder Cup and V

22

Friday Night and the Gates are Low
Some Call it Godcore (1995)

When I had my loft converted back into a loft, the neighbours came around and scoffed and called me retro 

21

Joy Division Oven Gloves
Achtung Bono (2005)

Nero fiddles while Gordon Burns

20

Fix It So She Dreams Of Me
90 Bisodol (Crimond) (2011)

She lives somewhere you wouldn't wanna get stuck, that can't be found in the Doomsday Book. Cromwell's troops never billeted there, Dick Turpin never had Bess shoed where this girl I'm told rolls her eyes at the Gok Wan acolytes

19

Hedley Verityesque
McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt (1991)

She passed into folklore. Trod on the lines in the pavement and said 'there's no room for enigmas in built-up areas'

18

Shit Arm, Bad Tattoo
Achtung Bono (2005)

If you're gonna quote from the Book of Revelation, don't keep calling it the Book of Revelations. There's no S, its the Book of Revelation. As revealed to St. John the Divine. See also Mary Hopkin, she must despair 

17 

Outbreak of Vitas Gerulaitis
McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt (1991) 

Why its Mr. Kowalski, it was you all along. That ski lodge would have been mine if it wasn't for you meddling kids

16

Took Problem Chimp To Ideal Home Show
CSI Ambleside (2008)

Bouquets for the chuckling footstool. In the heart of darkness there are no hassle free cabinets

15

A Country Practice
Four Lads Who Shook the Wirral (1998)

She died with her telly on, 87 and confused, with not enough hospital beds cause all the money's been used on the end of the century party celebrations and they reckon the last thing she saw in her life was Sting singing on the roof of the Barbican 

14

Bad Losers on Yahoo Chess
CSI Ambleside (2008)

Ernie Shackleton retreated close to the pole, he didn't want men dying to achieve his goal. But did he get a gob on? No, he gave a little grin. Heed this Dennis Bell when you next sign in 

13

Tending the Wrong Grave for 23 Years
Saucy Haulage Ballads EP (2003)

Curse those in charge of plots, curse these forget-me-nots. I've been sharing my innermost thoughts with an Edward McCrae

12

Everything's AOR
McIntyre, Treadmore and Davitt (1991)

She's the main man in the office in the city and she treats me like I'm just another lackey. But I can put a tennis racket up against my face and pretend that I am Kendo Nagasaki

11

Tommy Walsh's Eco-House
90 Bisodol (Crimond) (2011)

Think on: while you're capturing the zeitgeist they're widening the motorway

10

We Built This Village on a Trad Arr. Tune
Achtung Bono (2005)

Yonder the deacon in misguided trousers 

9

Turned Up, Clocked On, Laid Off
This Leaden Pall (1993)

There's people who can't spell weird right driving round with thousands in the bank

8

It's Cliched to be Cynical at Christmas
Trouble Over Bridgewater (2000)

You don't have a tree and your smile has a fee, all the same here's a card for your boring facade

7

The Light at the End of the Tunnel (is the Light of an Oncoming Train)
Cammell Laird Social Club (2002)

She stayed with me until she moved to Notting Hill, she said it was the place she needs to be. Where the cocaine is Fair Trade and frequently displayed is the Buena Vista Social Club CD

6

Bob Wilson Anchorman
Editor's Recommendation EP (2001)

I've been to Kent, Gwent and Senegal. I've even been to look for Jim Rosenthal. Found him on his knees at the Wailing Wall, crying 'Bob Wilson Anchorman'

5

Look Dad No Tunes
Single (1999)/Trouble Over Bridgewater (2000)

And I feel cursed and sore like I'm Thurston Moore, like the darkness in my eyes won't go away

4

National Shite Day
CSI Ambleside (2008)

Down in the high street somebody careered out of Boots without due care or attention. I suggested they learn some pedestrian etiquette, ie. sidle out of the store gingerly, embrace the margin

3

For What is Chatteris
Achtung Bono (2005)

Like a game bird reserve short on pheasants, weavers' cottages devoid of tenants, a market town that lacks quintessence, that's Chatteris without your presence 

2

The Unfortunate Gwatkin
Urge For Offal (2014)

A further attack was witnessed by one Slow Dempsey of Woodside Farm, who alleged that he saw the aforementioned Bridgedale scuttle a full four hundred feet along the Wervin Turnpike to deliver a perfect haymaker onto a stray colt

1

Them's the Vagaries
Cammell Laird Social Club (2002)

Say, hello spinal curvature. Get used to the mirthless furniture. Now we've kissed I've written this list, I thought you ought to know