Like many harassed Primary Care Givers I have become well acquainted with the programming output of the legendary CBeebies channel. It does a grand job of entertaining/baffling my little two year old boy - a cat-loving, train door obsessive with a Paul Weller haircut and a pathological refusal to acknowledge the number nine - whenever duplo/coasters/the contents of the medicine cabinet have lost a smidgeon of their charm.
But, unsurprisingly considering its schedule is aimed squarely at the 0-6 age bracket, there is precious little to occupy or stimulate the adult viewer. Considering that this channel makes up 95% of all the television I now watch this situation can pall sometimes. So therefore I have composed this bijou gazetteer of the 18 CBeebies shows which are least likely to drive anyone over the age of 18 to drink/drugs/embracing mindfulness. For the purposes of this list the entertainment value or educational virtues of these programmes for toddlers isn't my concern. This is a survival guide for toddler-wranglers: keep to these shows and you may retain some mental faculties. But whatever you do, do not turn to the dark side - that way lies 'Kate and Mim Mim.'
18
Mister Maker Around the World
Quite how the phenomenally jammy Mister Maker (aka Phil Gallagher) persuaded the cash-strapped BBC execs that shoddy papier mache simply HAD to be demonstrated with Table Mountain as a backdrop is likely to forever remain a mystery but the exoticism of the series' locations is an undeniable bonus for anybody over the age of five. And some of the gubbins that our bequiffed host cobbles together does actually look rather nifty as well. The show is clearly no Art Attack but Gallagher's enthusiasm usually remains just the acceptable side of Sherbet-fuelled bedlam and even when he does go too far there is always the unspoken potential for him to lop of his index finger under the intense pressure of the Minute Make.
17
In the Night Garden
Like Margaret Thatcher, Marmite and a carelessly wielded chainsaw ITNG tends to divide people. Granted, its running time is so long that most toddlers have started their GCSEs by the time the first episode finishes and it is plotless to an almost Zen-like degree. But no other kids show invites as many philosophical interpretations: is Iggle Piggle dead/in a coma/careering round 1970s Manchester with Gene Hunt? Are the seldom seen Wottingers symbolic of the more prominent Pontipines' ontological dualism? Is Upsy Daisy an emblem of lost innocence in a society dominated by a patriarchal hegemony? Or is she just an uppity bint? After half a dozen viewings of this head-fuckery 'Lost' begins to feel like 'Postman Pat.'
16
Rastamouse
If you are a white middle class liberal watching 'Rastamouse' evinces a sensation of patrician self-satisfaction combined with the dangerous frisson of lingering anxiety about casual racism. Are the patois-spouting rodent residents of Groovetown an enlightened example of multicultural broadcasting? Or are they comforting stereotypes cynically rehashed for a lazy WASP audience - a kind of junior 'Death in Paradise' but with guitars and a President who never wears any trousers? Its fortunate that whilst on the horns of this ethnographic dilemma you can enjoy a breezy little story with entertaining characters and catchy music.
15
Katie Morag
Based on the picture books by Mairi Hedderwick 'Katie Morag' conjures up an island world of wild coastline, ludicrous names (Neilly Beag, anyone?) and sweaters so heavy they'd crush even Sarah Lund. The 'action' is set on the fictional Scottish isle of Struay and follows the eponymous little heroine as she bickers with her family, plays the brutal local sport of Shinty (a kind of recreational kneecapping) and generally gads about looking all Celtic. At its heart though is a good old fashioned culture clash between the flighty, blinged up Granny Mainland and the chilling Granny Island, who resembles a cross between Gloria Hunniford and a vengeful kestrel.
14
Tweenies
'Tweenies' would be considerably higher up this list if it weren't so maddeningly inconsistent. Aside from the notorious Savile episode Milo, Bella and the gang have produced some genuinely brilliant stuff - an episode that retold Little Red Riding Hood as a cheesy West End musical and a spot-on parody of 'Changing Rooms' spring to mind. But all too often the Tweenies just squeal obnoxiously at each other whilst the odd combination of sock puppet heads on fully grown actors can be the stuff of nightmares if you've downed too much Aldi Rioja in a doomed attempt to numb the pain of 'Swashbuckle.' But still, catch it at the right moment and its gold.
13
Bedtime Story
A mixed bag by its very nature but then part of the joy lies in not knowing who or what you are going to get. A twinkly old thesp or the bloke from Elbow? Her off of Corrie or that suspiciously shiny footie pundit? If you're really lucky you might be treated to the deliciously laconic delivery of Tom Hollander, but then again you may get landed with Kimberley Walsh sounding like a hedge trimmer with dying batteries. The texts are obviously variable too and its amazing how creepy most celebs come across when they wish you goodnight. But if you get the perfect union of narrator and narrative the result can be magic.
12
Andy's Dinosaur/Prehistoric Adventures
It would appear that CBeebies presenting stalwart Andy Day not only moonlights as a lackey at the Natural History Museum but that he has also chanced upon a grandfather clock that can transport him back to the Jurassic era. Rather selfishly keeping this groundbreaking discovery to himself he cavorts about prehistory dropping both his aitches and the odd salient factoid about icthyosaurs. A rare example of the channel successfully throwing money at a big concept both these series look fantastic and there is no quibbling with the likeable hero's energy levels, even if it does leave nippers with the impression that museum staff are all irredeemably thick.
11
Old Jack's Boat
Ahhh Cribbins. Now that Operation Yewtree has comprehensively trashed our own childhood memories it is gratifying to note that one old-school treasure is still around to inspire the next generation. The Brilliant Bernard plays affable seadog Old Jack who regales the viewers each episode with a spellbinding yarn full of magical, maritime mirth, observed wistfully by his faithful pooch Salty as a seasoned cast gurn and fall over in the background. Much like Old Jack's rustbucket vessel the 'Rainbow' this show takes something low-key and vintage and buffs it up to a glorious shine.
10
Timmy Time
It bears the Aardman stamp of quality so you know that 'Timmy Time' will be subtle and polished. The titular Timmy is a naughty little lamb at a nursery also populated by a passive aggressive kitten and a piglet in a comedy jumper, amongst others. Each episode sees Timmy misbehave in some fashion, setting in motion a sequence of events whereby he learns a valuable life lesson at the story's close. The exclusive use of animal noises instead of words forces an emphasis on slapstick humour that Aardman naturally does very well. It should, however, be noted that Timmy himself is a prize irritant and that nursery would never pass the most rudimentary Ofsted inspection.
9
Grandpa In My Pocket
Quite why the UN have not yet recruited James Bolam's incredible shrinking Grandpa to effect peace and stability in the Middle East is beyond me. When Bolam sticks his cap on he becomes a miniature superhero able to ride toy vehicles and formulate outlandish schemes to foil undesirables and solve personal crises. This is the closest thing CBeebies has to a conventional sitcom and Bolam certainly attacks it with gusto - gallumphing about under a toy dinosaur and even dragging up to pass himself off as a singing doll. The cast look like they're having a whale of a time and this joie de vivre is transmitted to even the steeliest viewer. A definite bonus is the presence of Bolam's real life missus Susan Jameson as the gloriously bossy Great Aunt Loretta.
8
The Furchester Hotel
To be honest just the presence of Elmo and the Cookie Monster would have been enough but when allied to the chaotic Furchester-Fuzz family of hoteliers it produces a comedy truly worthy of the Sesame Street brand. Whilst the eternally troublesome puppet guests that check in to the Furchester would have Basil Fawlty reaching for the sewing machine in seconds the long-suffering proprietors are always at pains to find imaginative solutions at their accomodating accomodation. The whole hyperactive enterprise is topped off with toe-tapping, tongue twisting showstoppers although I still wouldn't want to probe too deeply into the hotel's Tripadvisor ratings.
=7
Mr. Bloom/ I Can Cook
OK, we can be as high-minded as we like and gob on about levels, vintage charm and psychological torture (see no.4) but, after three hours of Lao-Lao whining about a broken stick on 'Waybuloo,' all us parents really want is a bit of eye candy. Now, every parent will have their favourite CBeebies totty but - after painstaking scientific research and my own personal taste - it would appear that Indeterminate Northern Handyman Mr. Bloom and relentlessly perky travelling party-food synthesiser Katy from 'I Can Cook' are the most popular aesthetic distractions currently on the network. Although there must be a niche group who'd fancy a tumble with Mr. Tumble.
5
Charlie and Lola
'Charlie and Lola' (and the accompanying picture books by Lauren Child) is the animated equivalent of Jools Oliver's Little Bird kids clothing range: a bit twee, self-consciously hipster middle class, achingly North London yummy mummy...and utterly great. I dearly want to hate the precocious Lola and her cool-dude older sibling (their parents are never seen - evidently too busy comparing quinoa recipes or booking next year's jaunt to Kitzbuhel) but the voice actors are so endearing, the plotlines so true and the visual style so endlessly inventive that resistance is, ultimately, futile. Oh yes, and it also boasts the most feelgood theme tune since 'Cagney and Lacey.'
4
Twirlywoos
Ostensibly a show about the educational misadventures of a family of colour-coded chickens 'Twirlywoos' is in reality a psychological horror drama for preschoolers. In every episode the mischievous little sectioning-catalysts fuck about with members of the public whilst remaining unseen throughout. The dumb-show vignettes invariably culminate in said Ordinary Joe guffawing wildly to themselves as the madness finally envelopes their fractured psyches. Even if not viewed through this harrowing prism the presence of legendary 80s daytime TV foghorn Rusty Lee is more than enough to make this a must see.
3
Postman Pat/Postman Pat Special Delivery Service
Whilst its fun to rail against Pat Clifton's professional incompetence and the profligacy of Pencaster Town Council - not to mention raising an inquiring eyebrow at Greendale's optimistic ethnic diversity and the high proportion of single parent families in the village - there is no denying the exquisite structure of this glorious retro reboot. Each episode plays out like a classical three act drama and is capable of generating genuine suspense at the drop of a hat. I've only just finished the meds prescribed to me after witnessing the jeopardy of Pat's last gasp attempt to unite Charlie with his new telescope.
2
Hey Duggee
'Hey Duggee' is a cartoon that operates on more levels than the Empire State Building's in-house surgeon. Crisply and colourfully animated the adventures of the eponymous mountainous canine and his bunch of lovable 'Squirrels' is bursting with sly references to exactly the kind of pop culture icons - Rambo, Super Mario, Monty Python etc. - that toddler-wranglers are devoted to. But even without the knowing in-jokes the sharp wit and character comedy - including Tico the Artistic Mouse and a couple of terrifically gay crabs - makes it an absolute delight for the whole family.
1
Clangers
Whilst the original Postgate-created 'Clangers' possessed abundant charm the 21st century re-imagining is simply a masterpiece. Its lovingly designed and crafted lunar world shames the multitude of CGI eye-bleeders that bedevil the CBeebies schedule whilst Michael Palin's avuncular narration is a constant joy. But its the storylines that really mark 'Clangers' out from the crowd; wrapping generic lesson-learners in a warm and vividly imaginative cloak and making us really care about Tiny's lost notes, Small's missed meteor or Baby Soup Dragon's temporary identity crisis. Really, even if you don't have kids a dose of 'Clangers' is food for the soul.
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